Talking about race, gender, religion, politics, organizational goals, and even family budgets can be very difficult.
It can be really hard to
welcome different perspectives
to these kinds of discussions.
Conflict competence makes it
possible,
productive,
and powerful.
The Problem:
When different perspectives collide, dialogue often turns to debate and eventually to destructive conflict. Because we've all experienced this process, we tend to adopt one of two strategies for dealing with conflict - we either try to avoid it at all cost or we try to win at all cost. Neither of these is healthy nor are they optimally productive, especially in difficult dialogues like the ones mentioned above.
The Solution:
Give people the tools (knowledge, skills, and attitudes) for the psychologically safe sharing and processing of multiple perspectives. In other words, equip people to consistently engage in constructive conflict, which pioneer social and organizational analyst Mary Parker Follett described as "a normal process by which socially valuable differences register themselves for the enrichment of all concerned." (Source: Creative Experience, 1924, p. 301)
So, Leader: How's that workin' out for ya?
Is your group (work, church, family, community, etc.) operating at peak performance? Are its members tired of cleaning up the aftermath of destructive interpersonal conflict? Do they long to be free from the stress and desperation of conflict avoidance? Are you doing your best to make progress in welcoming difference but just can't seem to find the road to real inclusion?
Look again at Mary Parker Follett's comment above and pay close attention to the phrase "for the enrichment of all concerned." This is a perfect description of what happens in a community of authentic inclusion, where each member experiences both belonging and a high value on their uniqueness. If we want the operational, psychological, and spiritual riches that are found in a community of authentic inclusion, we cannot avoid conflict. We must welcome it and ensure that it is always constructive.
But how can we do this? We start by recognizing that constructive conflict requires an "open-handed" approach to our own and others’ ideas. In other words, "tight-fisted" debate (with each of us desperately clinging to our own perspectives) isn't going to get us where we need to go. You see, the simple truth is that we can't intellectually and emotionally "join hands" until we each relax our grip on our own perspectives and give respectful attention to other points of view.
To be able to do this consistently, we must develop specific knowledge, skills, and attitudes, or KSA. And most important for leaders, we have to understand that a group/team is not just a bunch of people in close proximity to each other; it's a living organism. If we want it to develop a thriving, high-performance way of life, we can't just be taskmasters, discussion leaders, or one-on-one coaches. We have to understand group development and focus our energies on guiding the group to maturity.
The KSA
The successful transition from conflict avoidance or divisive debate to co-creative dialogue depends on our motivation and ability to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."* We call this pattern of behavior conflict competence. To consistently behave this way, we can't just try to follow a list of "rules of engagement" or "conflict resolution procedures" whenever we happen to find ourselves in a difficult dialogue.
Instead, we have to proactively learn and practice five specific skills (perspective-taking, affirming, I-messaging, reflective listening, and suspending judgment) so they become routine. These skills are built on a foundation of basic knowledge of five key topics (cultural self-awareness, ethnocentrism, cross-cultural awareness, tolerance of uncertainty, and the difference between debate and dialogue) as well as five vitally important attitudes (compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience).
The good news is that anyone can learn the knowledge, skills, and attitudes (KSA) that produce conflict competence. RockWork Consulting exists to make the learning psychologically safe, fun, and ultimately transformative, AND to train group leaders to develop conflict competent groups.
*From the Christian Bible's book of James, chapter 1, verse 19
Group Development
(it might not be what you think it is ...)
The first steps on the journey from Group Leader to Group Developer
-
See each group as the living organism it really is – it is born, matures, and will eventually die, just like an individual
-
Understand its development cycle
-
Establish positive group norms (behaviors based on specific knowledge, skills, and attitudes) to facilitate its development
-
Proactively provide strategies for each stage of development AND ample opportunity to practice them
-
Try to avoid asking for a group behavior that is more advanced than your group’s stage of development
-
Most important: Stop focusing on individuals and keep your focus at the group level of behavior
How important is it?
Take a look at the picture below and ask yourself: "Is this a good idea?"
Now ask yourself: "Why do we routinely create groups and ask them to engage in difficult dialogues and tasks without any regard whatsoever for their maturity (i.e., stage of development)?"
Rocky J. Tyler
Director, RockWork Consulting
Rocky brings an exceptionally broad range of experience to the business of conflict competence. From educational leadership to international political-military negotiations, he has studied and practiced the principles of inclusive and productive dialogue for nearly 40 years. Colonel Tyler is a retired Army Reserve Foreign Area Officer (FAO) who served multiple tours as a United States Central Command (USCENTCOM) senior staff officer specializing in Iraq-related issues. In 2007-2008, he deployed as a member of the US-Iraq Status of Forces Agreement negotiating team, serving as the senior USCENTCOM advisor to team leader Ambassador Robert G. Loftis.
Between his repeated post-9/11 calls to active military duty, Rocky served as a high school and adjunct college instructor specializing in learning community leadership. As a certified TRIBES Learning Communities ® trainer since 2001, he has provided the tools for building authentically inclusive collaborative learning environments to K-12 teachers and administrators, college instructors, and church staff members. After retiring from military service, Rocky was the Staff Development Manager at Wycliffe Bible Translators USA, where he served as a founding member of Wycliffe’s Diversity Commission and co-leader of its Training Task Force. This experience and his Mediation Training Institute (MTI) ® certification as a Workplace Mediator and Trainer provide him with an unusually deep understanding of organizational interpersonal dynamics.
Rocky is a 1982 graduate of the United States Military Academy at West Point and earned his M.A. in International Relations at Yale University in 1991.
Testimonials
I learned how to have difficult conversations and that conflict does not always have to be bad. Healthy conflict is good. (Workshop participant)
Very inspired by learning so much about organizational culture as it relates to healthy conflict.
(Presentation audience member)
People really appreciated the clarity of your delivery and the quality of the content ... I think there was a sense that a huge elephant (i.e. passivity/passive aggressive behaviour is not true harmony) had been clearly but respectfully described through your talks. God has used you to speak to us about a critical issue – one that is difficult to address. You did it with wisdom, gentleness, tact, and much credibility. (International Director of People Development for a large mission organization)
This was a great experience! I learned a lot from the presentations and discussions! (Workshop participant)
Could use more time. I didn't want it to end.
(Presentation audience member)
As a result of this training, I plan to stop conflict incompetence in my team and use my knowledge, skills, and attitude to positively influence my culture. Utilizing dyads, triads and quads to further increase my team’s communication and efficiency skills is something I plan on using in the future. (Workshop participant)
There were many ideas presented for connecting as a team in a psychologically safe manner. I will use many of the ideas! (Workshop participant)
This is not easy, but it’s worth it … This is a process that is helping us build a culture of better communication, clear expectations, and healthy accountability in a relational context.
(Staff Director of a large American church)
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